Light & Shadow

This post was published to shades of light & dark at 5:56:17 PM 5/24/2009

unburdened

 

 

5.23

The light from the single candle shines down on these words as I sit up against the pillows, buried under my collection of comforters – Mr. Sharp-as-a-Marble here finally thought of moving the small wall sconce to the ‘bedroom’ of Dancer, instead of leaving it up in to front area where it complimented the decoration & look of my home. Much better to read by than to walk by, yes yes. Besides, had to get some light in there – the batteries on pretty much everything are kaput, and I didn’t have the good fortune of parking under a streetlight this time…

The candlelight, the warmth of my bed, the occasional slight sway of Dancer as the wind gusts by – the tapestries and fabric I’ve had for years now covering these windows… dressing up the inside, a little paint when I had the money to get a quart, more fabric, pictures – I look around, and a subtle smile appears. This is my home, and – and yeah, it feels like a home, more than anywhere I’ve lived for countless years – and even then, it was usually just my bedroom.

This, however, is truly a sanctuary, my sanctuary – and the coolest thing - is that it’s on wheels!

Sure, there’s a bunch of stuff that needs to be repaired, and there are of course some improvements and more decorating I would like to do – but all of those take money – and I’m lucky if I can buy a cup of coffee in the morning these days – and tomorrow, I can’t even do that – but oh well. It will work out somehow. I have Dancer.

There’s a peace that comes over me when I am in her, warm under the comforters, invisible to the rest of the world as the rest of the world rushes by… gods, I love it.

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

It’s late now, I feel it. Should probably get to sleep soon, wake up at a somewhat decent hour, drop off prescriptions, write all of this down & check emails at the café while trying to be as invisible as possible so they don’t notice me not buying anything, then do a little work on the site as I bring it back to life, busting my ass next week , getting into high gear on the magazine – but first, I need to fulfill something I’ve been wanting to do for weeks, and get out to Ocean Beach – just walk along the Sea in the beautiful overcast day, , escape everything inside of me, breathe, belong… probably make the short walk to the archery range as well either Sunday eve or Monday - it’s been far too long since I’ve taken up my bow, let everything fall away into the time spent with it. I can still feel the serenity of it in even only the thought of getting back to the range; the way every motion becomes fluid, the way everything feels connected, the absence of thought, but perfect awareness – and the way that all comes with me when I step off the range. – I’ve always struggled with the usual kind of meditation, thanks to this chatterbox of a head – even the Vipassana retreat had to kick my ass (and break it & my knees) before I got the hang of it…  I think I’ll make a point of getting to the archery range a bit more frequently.

Then, read in my wonderful little sanctuary, where time doesn’t matter, and… (and shit, I need to finish copying this so I can get the hell OUT there! F all asleep to the sound of the waves, the smell of the Ocean – no internet, no computer – it’s strange writing all of this down on paper again, it’s been years since I used this medium, but I think I’m getting the hang of it again… got to be careful though, as occasionally the words start pulling themselves out of me instead of me putting them down, completely bypassing thought due to not having to pause to find the keys on the keyboard…

Hoping that I have the fuel to get out there & back – guess I’ll find out…

Then back to work on Tuesday with new ideas for the mag, always, it seems, running around in the same circle, working my ass off just trying to make enough to survive - penniless, not knowing where more money is coming from, not knowing how I’m going to eat when the food I have runs out, and watching the people run by Dancer each day, rushing everywhere they need to go in order to make the bills, rent, mortgage, car payments, worried about being laid off, hoping that they will be able to take that vacation, and hoping that they won’t be found unnecessary while they’re gone – again, a circle, and yeah, I’ve run in that one too for most of my life – then I look at Dancer. Lock the door behind me as I crawl up into her, take off my coat and look around, not even bothering to check the pockets as I laugh to myself, I know there isn’t any money in them – a subtle nod as a slight smile appears on my face, taking a deep breath, and realizing how incredibly fortunate I am, that even the smallest of things hold so much more value, and knowing that I’ll never forget this time,

Holding the smile, feeling so incredibly blessed – as there is nowhere to go but up…

 

And I’m climbing.

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

Time for me to post this quickly, and get my ass to the ocean. Talk to you all in a couple days.

 

 

 

 

This post was published to shades of light & dark at 8:40:53 PM 5/22/2009

inside out

 

 

 [just a glancing thought, if it could even be called a thought at all. A feeling, a barely noticeable pause in the routine. Easily brushed underneath with all the others that have gathered there. A break in whatever was happening for that fraction of time last September when the day had passed and the phone had still not rung, that one email that wasn’t there. My eyes turn to look at nothing, a smile that faltered not even long enough for anyone to notice then push it all down, under, smooth out any wrinkle that might betray, fill the small hole that it left behind and it’s as if it’s not even there. Back to work, back to whatever I was doing on that day. Things need to be tended to…]

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Strange days, these. Something of an absence inside and out, just going through the motions, working on the only thing I have right now and incredibly thankful for that, but wondering , always wondering, how much longer I can keep doing it the way it is now. The magazine, the magazine, the magazine – the constant fight to make it into something, knowing that it can’t be anything without a transcriber, but already being let down too many times to believe in anyone enough to search for another one. No, I don’t trust you. I know you will go away. I know that I’ll fight like a motherfucker because this is my dream, you’ll copy a few interviews into print, and then, like all the others, you will abandon me. Always a fight, always the fear until that one day when I will finally be able to actually hire someone, pay them to transcribe the interviews for me.  Always wondering if I will make it that far. Wondering if all this is is a charade I’m playing with myself, something to do that only I believe in. Meanwhile I bide my time, hoping that she gets back to me, hoping that the interviews get done, and this issue will finally be able to be put out. So close, so fucking close, but these weeks, these days all I can do is sit on my hands, wait, wonder… I suppress my frustration in order to keep going, I know that things will happen – but right now they aren’t and if I don’t sweep the frustration under, if I don’t ignore it, I’ll go fucking mad –

but always, always, when you hide yourself from something you don’t want to feel – or hide it from you, you always end up hiding more than intended. Push away the frustration, ignore the worry, and lose some of the passion and magic. You always lose more than you want to. There is always the price to pay, But it’s not only the magazine. This isn’t about the magazine – not entirely – not really… (Scattered. 4am paper scratches…)

I’ve known that person. Beginning life with so much pain & confusion that needed to be hidden that everything was. Dead eye smiles, hollow laughter – not entirely gone but more hole than human. Pretend to feel, knowing hate, knowing there was something very, very wrong – with me – but I found my way out, found the pieces that fit the hole and thirty one years of everything is still coming out, I’m still learning, and I will never, ever be that person again… hell, now more than I have room for…

I try to pry it out through writing, but even that frightens me. Frightens me that it will be read, though I want desperately for it to be but I don’t want to sound like the self pitying fool, I don’t want the words to be misunderstood, taken the wrong way when I can barely find the right ones to get them out – but they need to come out. I wonder what those who do read see behind the words when it goes down too deep and I need to pry open the locks and let it out, let out what I feel. Sometimes I feel that what I write comes out as too much – “Oh, poor foolish Casey, there he goes again with the “woe is me” – but – no, that’s not it. Not why I write – at least not this – even I write to pull the mess out from behind the wall,  and while there, find the treasures again, as well -and perhaps I shouldn’t be concerned about what people think, perhaps I shouldn’t care what people think as they read this dribble but… I do, so I try to have it make some sense – some sense for both of us, posted not to be looked on with pity but as any human, simply with the desire to be known beyond the things I will never say – who I am, why, the things inside that only can find a voice when I stop thinking about what I write and let them speak, sing or scream from wherever they come from. Written when I’m in fear of finding the me that I hated again…

These are the things that come up raw, unthought, not filtered through the mind to try to have them make sense. Then hidden glances, the pieces of me that have been pushed aside and hidden because on the outside I know better than to have them affect me, the things that come up in the early hours when the walls are thin and the guard is down, when I’m alone and the things I push aside [I wonder] catch me unaware and [I wonder what kind of person] the water blurs my sight for a moment before [what kind of person I must be and what the fuck] and I write because I need to get them out to preserve the person I have fought so fucking hard to become [what the fuck did I do wrong, and how bad must I be, and what the fuck is wrong with me, why] because I’ve fought hard as hell to become this person and I love the person that I’ve become and [why, what did I do so wrong to be abandoned by two mothers] I am not willing to go back to the me that I grew up being because [by two mothers in one fucking lifetime?] because this is ME now and regardless of the shit that swims around inside, I know, finally, who I am – and I am me precisely because of all of the things inside and because of that, I am finally able to honestly say that I fucking love who I have become, regardless of everything, and because of that, I know that I am being completely honest, with all my heart, the good and the bad of it, when I tell you that…

I love you.

since Blogger has a linky-thing to the magazine, and eventually I'll be hitting the road again and having the travels on the magazine site...

http://kseaflux.blogspot.com/

Dig the video, my beautiful friends - HELL YEAH! Some changes are being made (such as adding a "special thanks" credit & stuff for the many deserving), but here's the first edit - (& only eight months later)!

www.bigtopmagazine.com

AND, coming to you on Saturday, May 2nd - The Big Top Magazine ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY EXTRAVAGANZA! Make sure you mark the date & purchase your tickets early (available soon) - as it WILL sell out! That's right, my beautiful friends - against all odds, BTM made it through the first year, and things are REALLY kicking ass - it's taking OFF, baby, and there ain't NO slowing down in sight!

This is also a Wanderlust Benefit, as Big Top is taking off in more ways than one! I'm answering the call of the road very shortly after the show, setting S.F. in my rear-view & chasing myheadlights, performing & finding amazing people, interviews & stories for the mag (& you!) along the way.

I know things are tight for everyone, but if you want to help support this grand endeavor, visit www.bigtopmagazine.com & please make a donation (there's a paypal thing on the front page)  - it will help with necessary repairs to the motor home, getting AAA, and many other things. Really, *anything* will help, and be appreciated more than you may realize!

Think of this journey as something of a modern day "On The Road", except it will be blogged about in real time!
The Journey Continues... and man, I can't fucking wait to be writing again...

 

 

BIG TOP MAGAZINE NEWS FLASH!
 

EXCLUSIVE specials only through Big Top Magazine! I’ve been working closely with my lovely advertisers, and we have arranged for them to offer a 10% discount on their extraordinarily exquisite items!
from stunning clothes to gorgeous jewelry & other adornments, and
for the performers out there, some superbly crafted stilts, from the
people who make them for Flam Chen & many other incredible
performance troupes – so go have a look!

http://bigtopmagazine.com/index.php/midway

If
you want to advertise as well, this is THE BEST TIME! The traffic to
the site is growing exponentially, I'm celebrating the birthday of Big
Top by offering YOU a special on advertising, and hell - to be
perfectly honest with ya, Big Top Magazine has some pretty insane plans
for the very near future, and needs your support! Check out the advertising page for more details - the special ends SOON!

Big Top Magazine is turning ONE YEAR OLD, and is having one
hell of a well deserved ANNIVERSARY EXTRAVAGANZA! That’s right, my beautiful friends - Big Top is hitting by far the most important milestone of its
existence, and yeah, it’s been one tumultuous year, full of the highest of
highs, and many times where it took absolutely everything I had to keep going –
but we made it, and it’s time to CELEBRATE! Mark your calendars for Saturday,  May 2^nd, as you will NOT want to miss this! It WILL sell out, so be
sure to get your tickets in advance – more information on that coming soon. (It’s
also a fare-well party for yours truly, as very shortly after it Big Top will
be hitting the road for a few months, running the magazine from my motor home
and finding incredible people & stories along the way for upcoming Big Top
issues! Dig the video from the last Big Top Magazine production here!
 

And, speaking of upcoming Big Top issues, the next complete,
jam-packed,
beautiful issue will be up in Mid April, and man – it’s going to be
FANTASTIC! Big Top is just getting better & better, and this will
be the first 100% new issue with our new website – and I must admit - I’m THRILLED!

 

Aaaaand - In order to help bring in some much needed funds for the
road trip, I’m also offering what will most likely be the last advertising
special for quite a while, with 20% off all advertising and free graphic design for your advertisement – as well as if you want to be a part of the 10% off
special above, you get an extra super special added bonus just for being a part
of it – so join the gang, and let Big Top support you while you support BTM!

 

For even more amazing news as well as a few things to expect
in the coming issue (& a whole bunch of other stuff) check out www.bigtopmagazine.com – and thank
you all so incredibly much for your support, encouragement & love over the
past year. It couldn’t have happened without you.
 

Big Top Love like fresh, warm cotton candy,

~ kSea

sitting in the motor home, running the engine to charge the computer, and hoping to not run out of fuel again. No money for more this time, again.

Cold as fuck there, taking refuge during the days in a cafe or the library.

Exhausted - but... somehow, it's worth it. Everything that comes with this thing I've been doing...

the new Big Top Magazine site is up.

Enjoy. Tell your friends. I'm to tired to right now.

If you were ever thinking about advertising, this would be a really great time to.

www.bigtopmagazine.com

RV Chronicles 1/29/09

I like this motor-home much better than the last, and definitely much better than The Beast. It needs some work, of course, but in many ways I’m simply fortunate to have it. Something of my own to sleep in, something that runs and drives in order to keep moving every couple of days & avoid the incessant thirst that the parking enforcement has. So far, I’ve done well – not one ticket. (Looks for wood to knock on… does wood paneling count?)

It has a working stove & oven, so I finally have the luxury of a hot meal whenever I wish – something that I never thought I would have appreciated as much as when they weren’t available. Ah, the things we don’t even know that we take for granted. Lesson learned.
It’s a strange existence; in some ways it feels like a non-existence. It’s been so incredibly long that I had a true home – you know , something with a front door and an entrance off the sidewalk, different rooms, a shower – all of that fancy stuff… yeah, sometimes, I really miss that, more than I would like to admit…

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I have sincere hopes that soon the new site for the magazine will be up, and from there things will change for the better – but right now, everything is done as well as it can be, day by day, and all I really have is hope. But it gets thin at times. Dreadfully thin. [Last night after writing this I went further down than I have been in years]

There used to be a time where when falling asleep I could envision where I wanted to be in an amount of time, what I wanted to accomplish, the things that would be happening – and then, I truly believed them. Now, I can’t even get a clear picture in my head of what to envision, though gods know, I’ve tried countless times. The visions are thin, as insubstantial as this life seems to be right now, wandering from the motor-home to the café every day to try to work, trying to find the words again to write like I used to – but this is a stagnant existence it seems right now. The wheels are spinning but I’m going nowhere, stuck in the slippery mud of an existence that I fight every day to believe in. Every fucking day the same thing, over & over, and I’m getting nowhere…

I know things will change – I know they will – but right now, it takes everything I have to keep going, dance this dance, and see where it will take me.

I must keep dancing… but sometimes, I just want to sit this one out.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

1.30.08
Need to get the site up. Need something to bring in money. Need a computer that isn't borrowed. Need to get on the road...
and really need a shower.

Recently got a great deal on an RV which I now call home, somewhat. Still want to upgrade, but I got this uber cheap because it apparently 'didn't run'. Spent literally five minutes with it, a few squirts of starter fluid and a bit of gas, and drove it off the lot.

A home. Mine. Shelter. Cold as fuck, but... it's better than I've had for far too long...

Been keeping busy, too...

A beautiful new site, Completely new format with constant content added, pretty colors, shiny things, and more than I can even say here right now, because there's so much possible - I just don't friggin' know! Suffice it to say it will kick ass.

In the upcoming the interviews and articles will roll in with:

Lucent Dossier,
Black Lotus Clothing,
The Sugar Dames
Sxip Shirey
Barry Syska
Frederique
Kristina Canizares
Gwyn Lister
Scott Lewis
Bindlestiff Family Cirkus

PLUS

The long awaited interviews with:
Zirk Ubu
The Underground Circus
and finally, the second half of the interview with
Jill Tracy!

There is quite a bit more we're working on in the background for extra delicious and delightful treats for you to hungrily slurp up, but instead of making you wait even longer for our butts to be ready, it's going to be offered to you a little at a time at first - trust us, it's better for you this way...

THIS COMING MONDAY, DECEMBER 29th WILL BE THE LAUNCH OF THE ENTIRELY NEW BIG TOP,

...so roll up, roll up, the circus is comin' at ya new & improved, with all the beauty that you've come to expect from Big Top Magazine - and much, much MORE!!!

In the meantime, soak your eyes and mind in the luscious beauty of the last issue at www.bigtopmagazine.com - and it actually is the last issue in this format, so enjoy it before the new one comes out!

(Oh yeah - and if you want to advertise or donate to 'this thing that has sucked my life away so beautifully", that would be cool too...)

Happy Everything!

~ kSea

just getting shit out here before I let it go everywhere else. things are not good, not good at all - but I'm fighting like hell to make them better...

until the last drop...

fuggin' hell, never thought I would loose so much in others voices to need to fight so hard to work back to my own words. I have never sacrificed so much.

I have never had a reason to. Not a reason as hard and warm as this one...

Something I need to say in the beginning of this journal (as it sickens me to call it a 'blog') is that I never knew what I was getting into - I seldom do, but this thing, this magazine - holy fuck. (and yes, fuck is purely holy.)

Obviously, I am not conscious yet. Don't think I have been for months - but that is changing...
I created a dream from the ether, a nightmare from the dream. There is not a day that goes by that I am completely enraptured by big top for one moment, and want to shut the whole fucking thing down the next...

but this goddamned magazine, as much as it has sucked me dry... I fucking love it to no end.

Maybe someday I'll be able to write about creating a magazine while on a borrowed computer, growing more homeless every day,
stories that no one wants to hear, until there is some sort of triumph... maybe someday.

Working on it.

He looks for the legs to stand on again, the support he once knew in the words he wrote. That is, after all is said and done, all he has to offer, the only thing that might last...

I'm coming back.

There is a new adventure in the wings, in the feathers of this fucked up story, and this writing is only learning that again, knowing the freedom - I need too, as I have somehow found and lost me in the same amount of time. What do you get when you sacrifice everything for a foolish fucking dream?

Ever the fool, I bow to none - but I welcome you with all of my heart, if you give me the same.

time to try to sleep.

Big Top is in crazy high gear, and things are rocking!

In case you missed the last bulletin, here are the key points:

>BEAUTIFUL, completely re-designed website in the works for the next issue, with TONS of more fun stuff!

>Big Top is going on a wandering road trip, hitting wherever I feel - think New Orleans via the Northwest, Colorado, L.A., Austin, wherever the wind blows me, meeting and interviewing everyone I can get my hands on along the way, as well as a running blog on the site new site of the extraordinary adventure!
***Keep posted on www.bigtopmagazine.com for dates & details! I plan on hitting the road within two months, and I will be offering rides on this wacky route in the Big Top Mobile!***  (Whatever that turns out to be.)

>A Big Top Productions tour in the works for next year, based on REVOLUTION. bigtopmagazine.com/Sights/Sights.html

Yes, things are exploding in a glorious way - and NOW is the time for you to advertise! (You knew that was coming, didn't you?)

We've been running an insane special on advertising, and I decided to extend the deadline for it until THIS COMING MONDAY, MIDNIGHT - so hurry! IF you make the deadline, you will receive a $50 discount on any space rental of $200 or more - up to 25%off our already low prices!
Since it's launch just in May of this year, Big Top has already won the 'Best of the Bay' award from the SF Guardian, and been visited by 78 countries/territories, and we're just getting started - take advantage of it!

The perfect place to advertise for:

Clothes & Costume Designers
Bands & Musicians
Performers
Jewelry Designers
Body Workers
Fire Tool & Toy Makers
Independent Shops & Stores
Stilt Makers
Audio & Video Engineers
Photographers
Visual Artists
Dance Troupes of all kinds,
And anything else you can think of!

Time is running out, and I don't want you to miss out on this special - so if you're going to act, act now!

For more details please visit
bigtopmagazine.com/Promote/...tion.html

Once again, $50 off any adspace rental of $200 or more - but only until this Monday at Midnight, so hurry!

***If you don't have anything to advertise but you would like to help support all the beautiful things happening with Big Top (and pitch in for the motor-home that will be our tour bus, all re-designed as an old circus wagon on the inside, of course), Big Top will be eternally grateful for that as well - and if we come through your town, on either tour, we'll be sure to swing by & say hi - as well as offer you a spot on the guest list if it's the show tour! Thank you all so much for helping this dream come true... ~ kSea

I look forward to hearing from you soon - and Big Top love to ya!

www.bigtopmagazine.com

In reply...

Sent to a dear friend that I was unable to meet today...

~ ~ ~

I've already vaguely told you of the sacrifices made for this. Only vaguely.

You have no idea how much I would love to escape it all, at least for one day, and dance around the streets with you, smile with you, kiss you and let you know that everything will be alright...

But unless I were doing this right now, the promise that everything would be alright would be nothing more than a lie.

I've come to the understanding that, sometimes, fighting for your life just might mean giving it all up, at least briefly.

I am no longer the one to sit at the beginning of the fucking rainbow looking for what might happen, looking for the end, the elusive pot of gold...

ya know what? I never want to find that pot of gold. I never want to find the end of the rainbow, never want to stop dreaming - but sure as hell, I won't be content to sit at the beginning, either. I choose to do nothing less than ride the top, dancing high among the wolf cries that wrap around the moon, and being able to see the emptiness that I came from but never finding
just another bottom,
however much gold I might find there. Where do you go from there?

I'm doing my best to climb that rainbow, and as I'm sure you know, it isn't fucking easy - but I'll get there, and do everything in my power to give you a hand up...

It's only these todays that I need both hands to desperately grasp hold to it so I don't slip back down giving up that last hope,
and in those final tears, wish I could have done more for us...

Today is fucking beautiful, even if it might seem like we need to wait until tomorrow for it...

I'll keep climbing, and somehow, I will always make certain there is a hand free to help you along.

He grew up in a beautiful place, surfing every day possible before and after school, learning the secrets of the Sea. After only a short while he could read the magick of Blacks - knew when the swells were coming in, knew how to hold his breath for a seemingly unreal amount of time, and not fight in the best waves of SoCal. (The Storm of '84 took NorthPier away)

He was told that he could swim strong before he could even walk. Never knowing his own mother, he found one in the Sea - and gives all that he can back to her, for all that she has given him.  She is the one that taught him

to survive
learn to enjoy our game
learn to enjoy being tossed,
open you eyes in the underneath
and just be there.

She always cared for him
once he learned not to fight
She taught him my things I only recently remembered
that a life built on dreams at deaths door
can carry you further than ever expected...

He is forever a child of the Sea
but knowing the Sea
finally knowing his mother, and
through tears of pain
he knows that he will probably never find the one
who gave birth to him...

but if it is any consolation, if she ever finds this
I wanted to know you. I have found me, and
I think that you have created an amazing person.
For that, and for your sacrifice, I love you...
I just wish I could have shared me with you, given something back.

I don't hold high hopes in finding you, but fuck - I've tried, and I will again - if only to find your grave.

Such is life. I'm doing what I can to make you proud of this boy...  your child...

but for now and ever, I am a child of the Sea...

My head is swimming with all that is happening behind the pages of Big Top - and it is truly magnificent. Here's just a taste of what is actually happening or in high gear for planning right now:

1) An absolutely beautiful, completely re-designed site, shades better and more professional than the current one that I learned how do build a site on - the coming site is being done by a bona-fide PROFESSIONAL, who fell in love with the idea, believes in this crazy dream that I can't let go, and has been working her ass off in creating a much more user-friendly site for Big Top. I just had my first peek at it yesterday, and gadzooks, you're in for a special treat!

2) Big Top is hitting the road, baby! The final destination will be New Orleans, but I'll be damned if I'm taking the shortest way there. My intention is to wander, finding amazing people, acts, bands, dancers, and all sorts of things along the way. I'm even planning on breaking out my busking gear again, as I desperately miss the streets, and performing.
 For those of you who have known me for a number of years know that I once could write - or at least, write well. (You said so - that's how I know...). For those of you who are new to me, here's a taste...
 http://ksea.livejournal.com/2005/09/09/ ; read forwards or back...)

There is a knowledge inside of me that the road is all I need to come back to that peace where I could just simply write... escape all of the walls that suck me dry and go. The adventure will be blogged and documented in photographs on the Big Top site, as frequently as possible. Coming back to the Vagabond Extraordinaire. Things have become stagnant - I need the road.

3) Planning a tour - not a road trip, a production. Still in it's infancy, but based on REVOLUTION, a show I put on in August. Dig the images in the 'Sights' section of the magazine. My vision is to have a small group of the most phenomenal performers traveling with, and incorporate the best local acts of every city we visit into the shows.

I created this magazine out of need. Something that couldn't be left undone.
Once, only a few years ago, I was that guy who had huge dreams, but sacrificed all of them for a small bit of "comfort" for something solid that made me shitloads of money at times, but left my soul empty...

I only pretended to be alive then.

Now, each breath is laced with wonder and love. This is where I need to be - it is the only me that I know anymore, the only me that I will accept...


Big Top is kicking ass, but still needs your support. Please help. Advertise or just simply donate.
It's time to roll...

www.bigtopmagazine.com

I'm beginning to feel better already...

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the cards have been dealt.

21 years, ace and a face.

For 21 years, every second I expected death. Waited, still waiting with every breath. For the few who know, for everyone that doesen't...

I've been HIV + for 21 years now, recently diagnosed with Advanced Immuno-Deficiency Syndrome - aka
AIDS.

But here I am - fuck you, my dreams won this gamble. It takes much more than this shit to kill me.
I'm winning this fucking hand
an ace in the hole

Blackjack, motherfuckers.

It's all a game, and I'm not dead yet, so that means

I'm winning?

Give me one month, or two, or three - not feeling so hot these days
Give me one year, or two, or three - I just might surprise you.
Give me one thing that I can hold onto
Just give me that one perfect day.

I will continue to cherish this life, the days, months or years left
and return the beauty you offer
to the world...

yeah.

Don't forget how sacred every fucking second is.
Cherish this life...

in beauty, in misplaced trust.

Worshiped in those who gave this life.

never doubt that I love you with all of I have.

the only stars are you, I look up to the sky and thank you...

but now weary. Choose your dreams wisely... that is what I have learned.

 - and though this feels like an epitaph, I've been the Phoenix before...

the days where everything is so precise and so fragile
all efforts come straight from the soul
dreaming as large as we believe life could be, and
all screams fall on deaf ears.

waiting for that last piece of the puzzle
looking for what has been cut out of us
in so many different ways
wanting to believe again
let loose

let loose this death grip
knowing that the life we've dreamed of
seduces us in it's thirst for us to find it
just on the other side of our walls, screaming...

screaming for us to set who we are free.

giving myself the beautiful gift of listening to the Magnetic Fields again.

You were singing, I was trying to, driving the Mission. I was laughing, you looked worried...

This time it is something much more than the fuel tank that is running on empty.

Always an adventure, ain't it?



We keep singing, and nothing matters

when we're dancing...

Dancing as hard as I can, my old friend...




this time, I'm worried.